"It's a common sense, patriotic measure to start American's youngest citizens off on the right foot," said Speaker John Boehner, who co-sponsored the bill. He did not indicate whether the pun was intended.
Boehner said the bill would target border communities, areas where same-sex parenting is legal, and regions with high concentrations of people of color in particular, as "those people" are in the most dire need of boot strapping aid.
Babies will be expected to begin tugging at the soft, pastel colored bands as soon as they stop doing that weird, stiff movement with their fingers. According to the bill, boot straps must be worn indefinitely through childhood unless the youngster starts his own business, which must be financially solvent at least three quarters in a row. After six months of age, parents must pay for the accessory and assist children in learning to yank those suckers hard for the good of our nation. A controversial proviso also states that unemployed adult workers and those applying for welfare must re-purchase and wear the straps as soon as they file assistance paperwork with the government.
Critics argue that the bill would be a historic overreach of congressional power, an idea that co-sponsor Paul Ryan called "ridiculous."
"This program will create jobs," he said. "Don't you 99-percenters want jobs? Crafting these straps is an honest-to-God, minimum wage skill that any liberal arts graduate should be grateful for." He added that his great-grandfather wore boot straps all his life. "My great-grandmother loved cleaning them for him after he came home from work," Ryan said.
No word yet on how babies born at home or in hippie doula facilities will be affected by the bill. The measure is expected to go to the Senate next week.